not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
