No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Drunk is not a location!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
