Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
