Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
