I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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