i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
