hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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