If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
