So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
