around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
