I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
3 2 1 whiskey
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
