Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
