I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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