If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
