Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
