You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
