this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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