im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
