Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
