There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
