You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
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My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
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I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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