i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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