You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Quick, to the slutcave!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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