just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
wanna go halves on a baby?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
if only i could text you this smell
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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