connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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