Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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