You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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