I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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