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If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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