did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
