it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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