Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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