Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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