ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
