nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
