I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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