i wish my penis had a tongue
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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