Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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