We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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