after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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