i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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