That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
