He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
