She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
