You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
