Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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