Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
