We named our party play list daddy issues
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
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Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
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When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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