I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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