OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
