Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
