The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize