Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
