she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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