i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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