every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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